Friday, August 17, 2012

Closed doors

Yesterday I found out that we will not be moving. At least not right now.
It was kind of stressful news, because now I am going to have to commute every day to school about 45 minutes, which means that we are going to have to rearrange our budget so that we can afford all of that gas money.
Commuting is also a scary subject because I still have panic attacks when I drive on the freeway, but that is a whole other topic for another day.
At first when we found out that Alex didn't get the promotion, it sucked, but I wasn't that upset.
Even though Alex was pretty crushed. He felt like a huge failure and like he wasn't providing for our family. Luckily I was pretty calm and I helped reassure him that God is in control and everything will be fine.

Then yesterday I broke down.
While Alex was at work I was getting ready to leave to run some errands and my heart started racing.
I am trying to transfer my admission from one campus to the other (one that is closer).
I can't register for classes until I go to an orientation.
And until my campus transfer gets processed.
Which I thought I had already missed all of the orientations offered.
And on top of everything I know that my job is going to have a really hard time working around my school schedule... as in they may not do it if it is too bad.

So I was a little stressed, and scrambling, and disappointed, and confused, and feeling a bit helpless.
I sat down on the floor in my closet and cried.
Not sure where to go next because I feel like everything is out of my hands.
Which is probably because it is out of my hands.
I think I have been trying to hold back those tears for awhile.
I've wanted so badly to trust that God has everything figured out.
But yesterday, as I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks, I prayed.
I told God that I don't know how to trust Him with this,
that no matter how much I strive to let this go, I honestly don't know how.
And I prayed for peace, and patients and understanding.

Then Alex called.
As calm as can be he told me that he wasn't worried at all.
He really sounded at peace with everything.
And he reassured me that everything was going to be fine,
all those questions would be figured out in due time.
He reminded me that God doesn't close doors for no reason.

My heart immediately stopped pounding.
And I felt calmer than I have in months.

As helpless and out of control as I felt,
I remembered that it is my choice to let my circumstances control me.
And I realized that I could take all that pent up fear and emotion
and turn it into a feeling of empowerment.

I realized that this door closed, and opened up a million other possibilities with it.
It doesn't mean failure.
It just means different options.
Maybe even better options.

This next term is going to be a tough one, but I'm excited for the challenges and possibilities it opens.
I'm excited to be closing one chapter of my life, and opening a new one.

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