Friday, July 27, 2012

I *refuse* to be bullied!

{I often worry that my blog is going to sound negative, and this post is definitely one that has that potential. But, I've decided that I'm going to write from my heart anyways. If you see this as negative well then, maybe I have a lot of negative feelings and emotions that I need to get out. I have to let them out somewhere, and writing is probably one of the healthier ways to do that. Feel free not to read it if that bothers you.}

Life is all about choices. We make hundreds of choices every day. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and sometimes we don't. But the point is, they are our choices. No one can decide for you, you have to decide for yourself.

What I'm learning about right now is that sometimes other people don't like the choices that we make. Some people are more accepting of them even though they don't like them. Then there are the ones that will bully you until you make a decision that they like.

I've encountered my far share of bullies in my life. If you don't do what they want then they will make your life miserable until you do. Or they will just try to make your life miserable anyways. These people often leave you feeling like you can't do anything right.

I'm here to say that I'm tired of it!

The fact of the matter is that this is my life. In the past I've let these people make my decisions for me. Because I didn't want to be the cause of drama, and I just caved under the pressure. My goal was just to make them happy so they would leave me alone.

But it never stops!

They never let me make my own decisions. They never let me be my own person. They never respect the fact that I have a whole big life of my own. I am 25 years old and I am far too old to let people bully me and keep me from living my own life.

The worst is that sometimes people get mad at me for something that is out of my control. It has been hard for me not to try to make everyone happy. It is hard not to try to just give in. But sometimes I physically just can not do what they are wanting, and I am tired of being punished for that.

You can not and will not make me feel bad for something that I do not have control over.
I'm sorry, but I won't allow that.
Sometimes I have to make tough decisions.
Sometimes you aren't going to like my decisions.
But you are just going to have to learn to accept that.
Without attacking me!!
{"you" as in the hypothetical "you"}

To be honest, within the last 24 hours I've actually considered deleting my blog, as well as my Facebook. I'm tried of certain people taking the things that I say and using them against me. I'm pretty honest in my blog, I write a lot about my personal struggles. This isn't because I want to give people leverage over me. It's so I can be honest with the world. It's so I can reach out to other people, because I know that they struggle with the same things. 

Some people have made assumptions about my life based on the things that I have said, and that is frustrating to me. I wish that I could just be honest about things, without people jumping to all sorts of conclusions as to what that means.
Regardless of what some people may think
Alex and I do have a happy marriage.
In general I'm pretty happy.
Yes, I have issues with anxiety.
That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with my life.
That doesn't mean that I'm not happy.
If anything this bullying is just the cause of ALL of my anxiety.
Sometimes I feel like I don't have control of my own life.
Because I have never stood up for myself.
And I'm tired of that!

It is time to say enough is enough. 

I've finally figured out that I can say, "No, that isn't what I want to do, but thanks for your input." 
What happens from there is not my responsibility. 
How they decide to interpret that and the offense that they decide to take from that is not my fault.

I am so unbelievably tired of people just walking all over me.
And the truth is, that it is my own fault.
I don't stand up and say, "I'm sorry you can't treat me that way."
But I need to.
And that is what I am doing now.

I also refuse to get rid of something that has brought me enjoyment.
And by that I mean my blog.
I'm not going to delete it, and I'm not going to allow myself to be bullied into doing so.

If you have read all of this, thank you for listening to me.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My absolute favorite thing about blogging?

100% hands down is the people I have met!

I feel sooo unbelievably blessed to have such a support system here in the blogosphere, and it really does reach out into my real life! Awhile ago, before I really started being serious about my blog, I would read posts about how much people loved all of the friends that they had made since starting a blog. Over the past couple of months I've actually started figuring out what that looked like!

[How many times can I say blog in one post??]

Seriously, I can't even begin to express how much these women [YOU women!] have impacted my life. Sometimes I will be having a conversation with one of my IRL friends and I will say something like, "Oh that's funny my friend so-and-so was just talking about that the other day!" Which translates to, "OMG my blogging bff just wrote a post about that!!".
[In my head I am always way more excited than I express in real life... if you know me you know this is true]

I don't have a giant successful blog, but I am still going to lend my advice to all you people out there...

Here it is: If you blog, reach out to the people around you. Seriously, it will change your entire experience of this whole realm of life. 

My whole experience changed when I stopped focusing on how many followers I had for my own blog, and started building some real relationships with the other people out there. I'm sure some of you would like to hear that this is the key to increasing the number of followers, but it isn't. My blog has grown a tiny bit, but the real thing that has changed is that I've actually made some friends in the process. And the best part is that they accept me for who I am and just want to be a support!

If you don't blog, you can still reach out to the people around you! Through this whole process I've learned that I can actually make friends, or be closer friends with the ones I already have, and not just with people who are a million miles away and who I don't have to have a real conversation with. I'll be honest, I have a hard time making friends, and an even harder time keeping friends. It's hard. It sucks. I always wonder what is wrong with me. But I think through meeting and making blog friends I realize that people just want to know that you care about them, and to know that you value who they are! 

Part of this comes with learning to truly accept people for who they are. I'm not in my friendships to change anyone. They are the ones that are changing me! I'm so incredibly blessed by the people that are in my life, and they continually teach me to love and accept myself, as well as others.

So I just want to say thank you to those of you that follow along here. Even if you don't stop in to read my posts, I'm honored just to be on your little "blog roll" of blogs that you do follow! And I'm thankful that you have been an encouragement to me in one way or another.

There you have it. The thing that keeps me reading everyone else's posts far more often than I read or write my own!

Monday, July 23, 2012

A Race & A Wedding!

My parents and I after my race!

I ran in the 5k I signed up for on Saturday!
It went pretty good, but my time was terrible.
I actually stopped to go to the bathroom halfway through. We got there super late and I didn't have a chance to go before the race started!
My total time was 34:17, but I figure with a bathroom break in there, it wasn't too bad!
May have even been under 30 minutes if I hadn't stopped. Maybe.
I've also been totally slacking on my weekly updates. Training has been going good, at least up until last week. I only ran twice (including the race) but it was a nice break for me.

Then Saturday evening I went to a friends wedding and got to spend some time with one of my best friends, Sara and her husband Collin!

Modeling, yet again!

Alex and our friend Adam.

Alex and Collin, smoking the pipes that they made for themselves! Or at least pretending to smoke them.

Then on Sunday Alex and I did pretty much nothing until about 5pm when we decided to take a spontaneous trip up to Ikea, which is about an hour away from us!
We didn't buy a lot, but it was a fun little trip.

 All in all it was a fun weekend!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Over coffee

With Nicole!
I wish that this was truly an "interview" that I had over coffee with her! Nicole and I found each other through the Bloggers Coast to Coast (over at Whispering Sweet Nothings) and discovered that we live pretty darn close to each other! And of course I pretty much fell in love with her from the moment I set eyes on her blog. She is super sweet and funny and just seems to have such a genuineness about her that I truly admire! Is there such a thing as a blogging soul mate? Because I think I just found mine!

We decided to do a little Q&A deal and ask each other some questions to get to know each other better, and so you guys can get to know us better too!

SO, here are the questions she asked me, and when you're done, head on over to Nicole's blog to check out her answers to my questions!

1. Why do you blog? Is it to memorialize your life as a newlywed, or to share something with your readers?
I kind of blog for all sorts of reasons. I like to have a place where I can look back at the different experiences I have had with my husband, but I also just really love being able to share a little piece of myself with anyone who is willing to listen read.

2. What is your favorite activity to do when you have "only Tanya" time?
Recently I've discovered a love for shopping by myself. I used to hate shopping by myself and I always felt like I needed someone there to keep me company. Now, however, it has given me that little time of independence that I need. I can buy whatever I want (with the specific budget we have both agreed on) and I don't have to feel restricted by someone else being bored or wanting to go to a different store, or taking much longer to look at clothes than I do. I can just do my thing. It's so wonderful and freeing!

3. What are you going to school for and has it been your life long dream to do what you're doing?
I am studying nutrition! It actually has not been my life long dream to be a nutritionist. Actually it has really only been a recent discovery that this is something that I enjoy. I just can't imagine doing anything else. It just fits me and my personality. I've always been that annoying person (or I should say sibling and daughter) that knew when things were unhealthy for you. And the person who always says how bad processed foods are for you (which I think is the one that annoys people the most). Don't worry, I've gotten a lot better about not giving people my opinion if I know they don't want it!

4. Music - what is your favorite genre, band, singer? Why?
I think all of my favorite music is done by my husband. He is a musician/ audio engineer (the people that record all the music) and I really love to listen to what he does. It has been really cool to see him improve so drastically in such a small amount of time. Plus I just love to hear him sing. He has a "band" page on facebook if you want to check them out! The Beardsmen- Yes my husband does have a pretty awesome beard that he is very proud of. And call me crazy but I love it!

5. What is one guilty pleasure item that you absolutely, cannot and will not give up?
I would have to say napping. Is that a lame answer? Because if it is then I am totally lame. I love taking naps, but I do have to give them up fairly often. Just as long as I can get one in every now and then (like every other day) I'm a happy camper.
 {Does anyone other than 85 year olds say happy camper?? Well, I guess I just did!}

6. Are there kiddos in your future? In your perfect world how many would you have and when?
This is a loaded question for me. I have been thinking about writing a post all about this because it is so controversial, but Alex and I are actually considering not having children. Someone actually choosing not to have kids?? I know, it's weird. I have lots of reasons, all of which I will have to answer at a different time. There are no definite plans either way for now. At the moment the plan is, if we have them we will be happy, and if we don't we will be happy. I do know that it is not something that I want to plan.

7. You have unlimited funds and 6 months to take the trip of a lifetime - where do you go and who would you take with?
I would go to Europe and obviously take my husband. And only my husband! I would love to travel to so many places over there, specifically: London, Italy, Scotland, Ireland, France, Spain, and pretty much anywhere else that sounded amazing.

8. Is there a specific Bible verse, poem stanza or song lyric that just gives you chills every time you read or hear it?
What God has joined together, let no man separate. -Mark 10:9
I love this verse! I actually found it a few years ago while someone close to us was going through a separation. I was praying for them a lot and happened upon this verse. Ever since it has held such deep meaning for me. Alex and I are actually considering getting tattoos like these ones.

9. Have you ever done any extreme sports: skydiving, bungee jumping or anything of the like?
Never. Ever. And I don't think I ever will. When I was younger I was a lot more daring and I did this thing at "Thrillville", a local [small] amusement park of sorts, where they crank you up to like a million feet in the air (probably closer to 100 ft) and then drop you and you just swing from this tiny cord thing. I'm sure their is an exact name for this contraption, but I don't remember. Anyways, that thing was intense! I'm pretty sure I nearly peed myself. Which would have been very unfortunate for the other two girls who were strapped in with me!

10. Everybody's got 'em... tell me one of your totally irrational fears (you know, like you can't sleep with your toes over the edge of the bed because some crazy monster might pull you under the bed and suck out your brains... that kind of fear).
Well... this is more of a phobia, but I absolutely hate barnacles!! Like hate hate HATE them!! Honestly just thinking about them makes my skin crawl! akldjfaoidjfk I'm grossed out right this second just thinking about them!
Don't ask me why. It is an unexplainable mystery!

Alright guys! Go check out her blog for me please! Trust me, you wont be disappointed!

The Tape Diaries

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

My biggest struggle?

Being too judgmental.

Honestly, this is something that I really hate. Not only am I judgmental of other people, I'm extremely judgmental of myself. My husband and I both try to encourage each other in this, but it is hard. 

But you know what? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that struggles with this. I hear it all the time. I hear people talking about how this girl is fatter than that girl, or how that person should not be wearing that shirt. Or how that girl is too good for that guy. That couple fights more than this other couple. The list goes on and on, and I would be a complete hypocrite if I ever said that I do not participate in any of these conversations or have these negative thoughts.

And it's ugly. I do not like this about myself.

I will be the very first to admit that this more than likely just stems from my own insecurities.
What if I don't measure up?
What if people think I'm fat?
What if I wear clothes that I should not be wearing?
What if we are the couple that fights all the time?

I try to act cool and confident. But inside I always feel like in one way or another I'm not measuring up. I could list every single part of my body that I wish was skinnier or every part of my personality that I wish was different. Heck, I could probably name like 20 different things that I wish I was better at. Actually, I'm sure I could write more than that.

How do I change? And how do I encourage change in others? To that I do not have answers. I only hope and pray that this isn't a part of my life forever. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself and on other people. People have enough problems of their own without me (and others) being judgmental about them. 

And the worst part is that I genuinely want the best for people. I want them to know that they are beautiful. I want people to know that they don't have to look like a Victoria's Secret model to be beautiful or "sexy". And I genuinely want all people to believe and see that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors and personalities. 

Sometimes I just get caught up in everything that I am lacking to see that maybe the only true things that I am lacking are love, compassion, and humility.

How can we be an uplifting community that doesn't tear each other down just to make us feel better about ourselves?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Why my husband should never be allowed to hold a camera

So sometimes this is what my life looks like:
Me (just getting home from buying a new item of clothing): Hey babe, you know what this means??
Alex: What?
Me: We need to take pictures! So I can do an outfit post!!
Alex (with uncontainable excitement): Oh... goody...

Tank: Roxy (from PacSun last summer) | Shorts: TJMaxx

And then I end up with pictures like this....
As if my neighbors didn't think we were weird enough. Maybe we redeemed ourselves after this display of awesomeness.

I'm pretty sure this is the worse picture I have ever taken.

These are literally poses that he has asked me to make...
Ok, ok, the second and third ones are me pretending to be a model after he told me to run my hands through my hair while he snapped like a gazillion pictures.
Beautiful, huh? I'm pretty sure I should be on America's Next Top Model. Just sayin'.

Also... I think I am beginning to see why my IRL friends think I'm weird. 
Yes, yes I did just post some awful pictures of myself for the whole world [wide web] to see.
What of it?
(And for you non-bloggers IRL stands for In Real Life).

And now that I have made a complete fool of myself, I'm off to watch last nights episode of the Bachelorette. See ya!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Some instagrams and a weekend recap

Last Thursday morning I left for a nice little vacation with my in-laws.
It was a lot of fun. We stayed in a house near Pinehollow Lake/Reservoir out in eastern Oregon. 
If you have ever come to Oregon you should really explore eastern Oregon a bit, it is gorgeous out there!

Here are some intagrams/ pictures I took while we were gone.
And if you have instagram be sure to find me @tanyagrasley!

White River Falls

A message from Chiquita

Tanning with my little SIL

I had two goals for this summer, the first was to get in better shape, and the second was to get a tan...
Thanks to this weekend I am well on my way to the tan goal!
BTW, the super tan girl on the right is not me.
She also kept saying how white she was all weekend... apparently she was blinded by my whiteness to see properly.

Hanging out by the lake.
My in-laws brought their family dog, Sammy, who is probably one of the cutest golden retrievers I've ever met. 
Alex playing with Sammy.

My MIL getting shakin' on by Sammy.

And then we had a beautiful drive home.

 Now I just need a few days to recover from my vacation,
and to heal this nasty little sunburn I was left with!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A retraction of sorts

So a couple of weeks ago I wrote about all the things that I had learned about marriage in the last two years (see that post here). Well someone just brought to my attention that when they read this post that they thought it meant that we fight all the time and were having marriage problems. I'm sad that this is the impression that I may have given off and I just can't live with the fact that anyone else out there may have gotten this same impression. That is so not true, nor was it the purpose of the post that I had written. 
"We don't have a perfect marriage. Sometimes people comment (IRL) about how in love we are or how happy we seem or that we look like the perfect couple. But we aren't. I don't really think anyone is. I promise you that we have had some bumps in the road. And I don't mean about who is going to do the dishes. We have had some real heartbreaking struggles. But, at the end of the day, he is still my husband. I still love him no matter what. I still know that I couldn't live without him. No matter what mistakes he makes, or I make, we still make each other better people. He is still my best friend and the only person that I have ever been able to trust my whole heart with."
I suppose it could have been easy to misinterpret this line. I only meant that we aren't perfect, and I don't believe that anyone else is perfect either. I'm not going to pretend like in our nearing 3 years of marriage that we have never been through any struggles. Usually it is coming through the tough times that brings us far closer than we ever knew we could be.

Call me crazy, but I just have this nagging within me to always be honest about my humanness. I have flaws. Alex has flaws. We don't always say or do the right thing. Sometimes we don't act in loving ways. Sometimes we fight. That's part of being in a relationship. If we never fought then we wouldn't really be working through our true issues. We would just be pretending like everything was fine. I just don't want anyone to have a false impression that we have the perfect life and that I am here to tell you how perfect I am. If you've been reading my blog for any length of time at all you should know that I just want to be real and honest. I'd rather admit my areas of weakness than have you all believe that I am someone that I am not.

I want to be free to be the real me, and I want to be accepted for who I am. How can I do that if I give you a false impression of who I am?

When you get married you don't just suddenly become a perfect partner to your spouse. It is something that you have to work at and learn to grow in. And in order to grow and better serve each other, you have to desire that. You have to want to be a better spouse. Otherwise you just wont care and will never try to change.

I suppose the point that I was trying to get across is that being married has really opened my eyes to my own areas of weakness. Everyday I see how much more I can do for him, and sometimes I even recognize the unwillingness in me to take those loving actions.
If you think that is a bad thing, that's ok. Because I don't. It works for us. We are happy. And that is really all that matters.

We love each other more than I knew two people could love each other. We want to spend every minute of every day together. We still haven't gotten sick of each other. Yes, we need space from time to time, that doesn't mean we don't love each other. I never want anyone to think that we aren't madly in love. Or that we don't truly value each other and our marriage. I never knew that I could feel so strongly about one person that I feel like if anything ever happened to him that I would mentally, emotionally, and physically die without him in my life.

I just can't picture a single day of my life without him in it. I didn't even know it was possible for someone to love and adore me the way he does.

Regardless of how much we may love each other, I just don't want anyone to try to hold us up to any sort of standard.
 Just let us be us, whatever that may mean.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

New wreath + will we ever move?

I thought it was about time to update the wreath on our door.
The old one was simple enough that it could have been used all year long, but I wanted something with a little be more of a summer feel, so I just made a new one.
I loved the way it turned out!

The G in the middle isn't attached so I can hang my wreath with or without it. I just like the little personal touch it adds to the front of our home.

Maybe this is my way of adding flowers to the outside of our house that I don't actually have to take care of! I want to plant lots of flowers, but I don't even know how long we will be living in our current home so I don't want to waste all the time and effort to plant everything, and then find out I am moving in a month and have to dig everything back up.

For those unaware, I got accepted into a school that is about 2 and a half hours away from our current hometown. Which means we will have to move. Or I should say that we are trying to move. It is all up in the air right now because we [and by we I mostly mean Alex] are trying to transfer our jobs and there is no definite answers yet.If all else fails I will just go to a university near by, but we are really hoping for a change of scenery.

I feel so unsettled because I have no idea which direction life is going to take us, and I don't want to be disappointed with the outcome. I'm just trying to be at peace, knowing that God has everything under control.

I just want some answers.
Oh well. We will just have to wait and see.

Monday, July 9, 2012


Hey everyone! So on Friday/Saturday I forgot to post about my progress with running, so I will be doing that today. 
Everything is going very well and I am further ahead than I planned to be! I've only missed one planned run this last Saturday because, well... I had a bit too much wine the night before, but I made up for it on Sunday.
According to the plan I made I was going to start running 2.75 miles this week and 3 mile runs next week. But I have been doing so good that I decided to just go for a full 5k (3.1 miles) today, and it went really well! Other than some cramping in my leg, I felt great! Like I could run forever.

I also reached my goal of running under a 10 minute average mile on Friday! I completed 2.52 miles at an average pace of 9:50. Although, that was the only run I have done under the 10 minute average time. Today my 5k pace was 10:14 per mile, which I was still happy with!
Now I have a little under 2 weeks to get my 5k time under 30 minutes. I just have 2 minutes to shave off of my total run time, which is completely doable.

Anyways, Here are my stats since last Sunday via my Nike+ app.

As of this week I think I am ready to start working on a 10k training schedule and start looking for one to sign up for. I'm excited to be accomplishing my goals!
 Well, I hope everyone else is has a great week!