Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Life has been crazy lately.
Crazy, but awesome.

As you have probably figured out I started my fall term classes on Monday!
So far I am loving it!
I finished my transfer degree last spring and have moved on to a university that is about 45 minutes away from my house. (An update for those of you that are new around here.)
I was really nervous about commuting to school because for the past 3 years I have had panic attacks while I drive on the freeway.
Not just like I get nervous driving, but I would have a full on panic attack.
Sometimes ending in tears.
There were several times where I tried to drive just from one end of town to another (which isn't very far, maybe 5 miles of actual freeway driving) and I would just freak out and couldn't do it.
I had some unexplainable fear of passing out behind the wheel, or losing control of the car.
If I needed to go somewhere out of town I would have my husband drive.

At the beginning of summer I knew that I couldn't allow this fear to continue.
I knew that it was something that I needed to get control over, because I knew that there was a good possibility that I was going to be commuting to school this year.
All summer I tried.
A few times I drove maybe a good 30 miles, which I could only do while my husband was in the car,  before I started freaking out.
Sometimes I could only drive one exit down before I felt too much anxiety and had to get off.

Two weeks ago I drove down to Corvallis (the city of my school) with my husband in the car, and I freaked out then!
I didn't know what I was going to do when school started.
But I knew I didn't have a choice.
I either get over it and drive on the dang freeway, or I give up on all of my dreams of actually finishing school with a real degree.

I woke up Monday morning.
Got ready.
Ate my breakfast.
And headed out the door.
I was nervous, but oddly confident at the same time.
And miraculously, I drove all the way to school without even a hint of anxiety.
And I've driven every day since, with little to no anxiety.

The weird, and often annoying, thing about anxiety and panic attacks is that it is all in our heads.
All of that "mind over matter" mumbo-jumbo.
Honestly, I don't even know what changed, but somehow it isn't as scary anymore.
I know that I don't want to live my life in fear.
I don't want to give up on something that is important to me, just because some very small detail is standing in my way.
Maybe all I needed was something to force me to get over it.
And realize that I am capable of so much more than I think I am.

Oh, and in other good news,
Friday was supposed to be my last day at my job.
I was looking for something that was going to be a little more flexible with my school schedule, because I didn't want to have to plan my classes around work.
Well, last Monday my work actually offered to keep me on as a 10 hour employee!
So I still have a job!

Funny how a few months ago I was completely stressed about how things were going to turn out.
I guess sometimes we just need to let the pieces fall together on their own.

Thanks for reading guys! And for being such a big support system for me! I really don't think my life would be the same without so many of you!

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