Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Searching for Peace

(Warning: this post is a little all over the place. I guess that is what you get when you start getting emotional about what you are writing.)

Lately I have been having a hard time. Ok, so maybe "lately" is a little bit of an understatement. It's been going on for awhile. Back in October... of 2010 (yeah it's been that long... and longer), I wrote about some panic attacks that I had been having. You can read my post titled, Today I simply write about life... which talks a little bit about how I had been having panic attacks and I didn't know why. Anyways, so this has sort of been an on going problem. I know, I should have and should still see a counselor, I'm just so terrified of being put on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills that it just doesn't feel worth it.

Over time I've really been able to pin point the crux of my fears. Basically I just have this crazy irrational fear of losing control of my own actions, physically mentally and emotionally. Which makes sense if you think about it. Panic attacks usually stem from a feeling of losing of control over yourself or your surroundings. Just for a brief update (because I wasn't really planning on writing about this) I don't have many panic attacks anymore. They used to happen very frequently, but now they are rare, but still frustrating at the random times they do come up. This is a huge reason why I decided to go back to part-time, because I felt the stress building up again, and I needed to take a step back and re-evaluate where I'm at and spend some time refocusing my life. 

Last night while Alex and I were praying, I was reminded of a very important revelation. I basically spend all this time living in fear and judging myself for having anxiety, which really does me no good. And the more I judge myself the more judgmental I become of other people. It is a very ugly cycle.

I've been in this terrible funk for the past few months of being negative and judgmental. This has happened before, I seem to go through this every once in awhile. And to cope with it I try to spend more time focusing on me, which I'm realizing just makes everything worse. Isn't there a verse in the Bible about being too introspective? I'm pretty sure there is, but I don't know where it is.

After this revelation I realized that what I really need to do is to stop focusing on myself. Yes, I have a lot of stress. Yes, I need to relax. No, I do not need to spend my day sitting on the couch thinking of everything that I have done wrong, do wrong, and think wrong to make myself better. I need to stop being so self centered. I need to start being thankful for what I've been given in this life. I need to start trying to see people the way God sees them, regardless of how much they may annoy me. 

When I put other people down (in my head or out loud) all I'm really doing is trying to make myself feel better about myself. But it doesn't work that way. I need to keep my mouth shut when I feel like someone is bugging me, and I need to stop being so darn judgmental of everyone and everything. Above anything else I think that this is what is going to bring me the most peace.


Thanks for reading. I hope I'm not alone in my journey.

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