Sunday, January 29, 2012

Quarter life crisis

I know that people always joke about having a quarter life crisis when they turn 25, but do people actually have those? Like legitimately freak out? Because I think I am.

In just over three months I will be turning 25, and it would be safe to say that I am freaking out quite a bit a little. I know, I know 25 isn't very old. I don't think I am going to be an old hag. I just always felt like 25 was such a milestone. Like I would be all grown up and my life would be figured out. I thought I would be ready to settle down and have babies.

But I'm not.

For the third time in my life, I am trying to go back to school. I've finally, finally decided to go after some of the dreams I've always wanted to pursue. Yet, I suddenly feel like it is too late. I'm too old. It's going to take, at the very least, 2-3 years to get my bachelors degree, and then what if I decide to go to graduate school? Or what if I have to go to graduate school just to get a job in the field I want. I could be 30 by the time I'm done with all my schooling, and then I will need to actually spend time working. I can't just waste all that time and money going to school and then never do anything with my degree.

What about having a family? Am I still going to have time for that? Am I going to regret wasting all that time and money and then decide that I just want to be a stay at home mom? Or, if I decided not to go to school, am I going to regret not taking a chance and pursuing something that I love? Have I gotten to the point where it is too late? Am I wasting my time here?

This all hit me the other day when my 19 year old co-worker (who is planning on going to the same school I am next year) thought it would be a good idea to tell me that they have adult programs for people like me. Adults who are going back to school. Ummm, excuse me? People like me! I'm only 24! When did I become an old person?! When did I become too old to be considered a regular college student?! I know he was just trying to help. And I know he felt bad when I started freaking out. It never really hit me until someone who I didn't consider that much younger than me called me old. Me? Old? When did this happen?

All I can say is Thank GOD for my husband. Thank you God that you brought him to me. I. Love. Him. He isn't perfect. He screws up. He never quite says the right thing at the right time, but this time he did. He has been writing me love letters every day all week, and I got this one yesterday:

"Dear Tanya,
I decided to type this note to you today, in hopes that you might be able to read it a little easier. To make it more like me, I wanted to find a font that was more like my hand writing, but they don’t have illegible chicken-scratch.... 
I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for knowing what you want and going after it. So many people get stuck in jobs that they hate, just so they can make money, but for you that isn’t good enough. I love that about you, I love your tenacity to go after what you want and to not settle for second best. That’s one of the things that I have loved about you from the beginning. Your greatest love isn’t money, and you would easily and quickly give it up for happiness. While this seems like it is obvious, and a no-brainer, it is not common. So many people complain that they cannot quit their jobs or that they cannot do what they really want to do, but they don’t do anything about it. You are different. You are willing to step out of whats comfortable and pursue your dreams. That is exactly the kind of woman I know you are and one of the very things I love most about you. Even when I have gotten caught up with money and comfort, you have been there to straighten me out and remind me what is really important. Each other, and God, and happiness. You have helped teach me (whether intentionally or not) that being happy is a choice, not just something that happens.  
You work so hard to give us time together, and to make sure we are connecting. I appreciate that sooo much. That is something that I have lacked in throughout out marriage, and something that I am working on changing. I want the focus of our lives to be on being happy together, and doing good for others, not on making money and having a bunch of things. Thank you so much for being who you are and helping me remember what is important in life. You are an inspiration to me and I value you above all else. I long to show you that I prove that to you. I will pursue you as you pursue your dreams.  
Your’s in Love, 
Your Husband."
The bold part is what got me. I started bawling. I told him how I had been feeling like maybe it was too late. He comforted me and reminded me why I decided to go back to school. He reminded me that we've prayed a lot, and how it feels like God is behind it. He said that we can have kids later in life and that that is ok. A lot of people have kids in their 30's.

Maybe we will be one of those couples.

I don't know what is going to happen, all I know is that I can't give up just because I didn't have the motivation when I was younger. I know that I want out of this rut of doing things that I don't love, and even if it takes all I've got, I'll dig myself out.

I found this picture on pinterest and I thought it was really fitting for this post. Ironically enough when I went to find the source for this picture the caption was, "A positive take on a quarter-life crisis?"

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