A step in the right direction

Here I am, sitting, staring, trying to muster up some courage and some words to say.  I know that I should be working on homework, but I just can't focus.

Tomorrow I have my first counseling session. First of many I'm sure.

It's been a battle to even get myself to this place, to admit that I can't take care of myself all on my own. To admit that I may need a little guidance and help to get to a healthy place again. It is so hard to admit.

Because I feel weak.


For anyone who hasn't read already, I've been struggling with panic attacks. As of late, the panic attacks have subsided for the most part, but in their wake they have left an emptiness and depression, worse than I have ever experienced before.

I've known for a very very long time that this was a step I needed to take, but I just couldn't get myself there. I wanted to be able to figure it out myself. It's been nearly three years and the only thing I have figured out is that I don't know who I am anymore.

The moment after making my appointment and hanging up the phone, I burst into tears. I knew that I had thrown in the towel. I had surrendered my fight. I cried because I knew that this was hopefully the beginning of the end for this chapter. They were tears both of joy, and of sorrow. Joy because I know that I'm taking a very important step, and sorrow because it has taken me this long. I've wasted a few years of my life being scared, of everything, even myself. I'm ready for this struggle to be over.

This is very hard for me to write. Hard for me to admit to myself even. In every way I've strived for this blog to be a place where I can come and speak my mind in a positive healthy way. I don't want this to be depressing. I'm not looking for pity. But, at the same time, I can't pretend this isn't happening to me. I can't pretend my life is perfect, and that I have it all together. I don't. The only reaction that I ask for is one without judgement, for me or anyone else in a position like this. One of the hardest things is for me not to judge myself. To remember that I'm still a whole person, that I'm no less than anybody else.

I know that going to counseling is normal. But, I know that my feelings aren't. And if they are "normal" then I know that they aren't healthy.

If there is anyone out there trying to decide if you should go see a counselor, I must encourage you to do it. Even if you don't think things are that bad, it isn't going to hurt. Don't allow yourself to wait until you just can't handle life anymore. I know that for whatever reason it is hard to seek someone else's help, but in the long run I know that it will be worth it. Personally I'd rather admit defeat now, and know that I still have a chance to live a full, happy, healthy life again on the other side.