Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The Question

outfit details

There is a question that as a married woman I get asked all the time. Nearly once a week.

"When are you having kids?"

I totally understand the question. It is only the natural next step, especially after being married for (almost) four years.

Lots of my friends have kids, or are trying for kids, or want kids but are waiting for the "right time". I think being a mom is a wonderful gift. It seems to make life deeper and more meaningful. You get to share a love for someone that you never knew you could have. At least this is what I have gathered from those that have children.

But I feel like there is something that I have to get off my chest about all this.

I don't want kids.

There I said it. I may be completely kicked out of any blogging friend circle I ever thought I would be a part of. When I tell people this they usually just stare at me for a little while, ask me why, and then tell me that I will be a great mom and I'll change my mind some day. Or they ask,"Well who is going to take care of you when you get older?" Or tell me I am going to be really lonely. There is a whole list of responses I get with the underlying theme that I am a selfish person and will grow up to be old and bitter. The only thing I have to say to all that is that I know a lot of amazing, loving, selfless people who chose not to have children. I know you think it is impossible, but it happens.

If you are just sitting and waiting for me to tell you my reasons, you are probably going to keep waiting because I don't really have any. Many women tell me that being a mother was their calling. They knew from a very young age that they were going to be a mother.

I didn't. 

My mother can tell you that from a very young age I have said that I wasn't going to have children. At best I said I would have World Vision children.

There have definitely been times in my life that I thought I would grow out of this. There is still the chance that I will change my mind. Of course there is always the chance that I will get pregnant regardless of my desires or efforts not to. I'm ok with that. If God wants me to have children I'm sure I will, and I will love them with all my heart and be eternally thankful for them. I'll tell them that it was never my plan to have children, but that I am so happy I did because they make my life richer every day.

I don't think less of women who choose to be mothers. I have the utmost respect for mothers. I still like to hang out with them. I don't feel like they are less of a person or that I could never possibly have anything in common with them. I don't resent them for bringing their kids along for lunch dates or shopping trips. Or when they have to ignore our conversation to pay attention to their child. I totally get it. I know that having lunch with me will take the backseat to making sure their child is feed and had their afternoon nap, or just having a good day in general.

I have been surrounded by children my entire life. I have over a dozen nieces and nephews, the first which was born when I was five and some which lived with my family at different times. I may not entirely know what being a mother is like, but I know what it is like to hang out with one and I enjoy it all the same.

I suppose the only thing I ask from the world is just not to judge me. I still strive to be a giving and loving person. I try not to judge the moms with the screaming kids in the grocery stores, because I have no idea what it is like to be in their shoes.

We don't all have the same calling. Yours may be to be a mother. Maybe mine isn't?


  1. Hi friend :) This is great. I love that you know what and who you are supposed to be. I hope my last post didn't stir up anything and I hope I didn't come across like I meant everyone needs to be a mother to be whole (did I? Be honest.). It was more of a realization of something I was fighting in my own heart. Anyway. I love you and love the times you've hung out with me and my kiddos like it was no big deal. I've treasured that you are one of the very few kidless friends I have that are still willing to hang out with me AND my kids. Says a lot and means a lot.

    1. I replied by email but figured it would be good for anyone reading to know, this definitely wasn't stirred on by your recent post. I loved your post a lot, it was just poor timing on my part for this post. But no worries, I totally understood and loved your message. You are an amazing mother and I love hanging out with you and the boys!

  2. So awesome to hear a woman state this - because I think there are many more that feel exactly like you, my lovely blog friend. Motherhood is not something to enter into lightly, and with shows that have risen recently in popularity such as Teen Mom, it seems clear that many women do. I think your honesty is brave and much-needed. God has a different plan for each of us - and there is great joy in that plan, whether it includes having babies or not. :)

  3. I think it is totally fine that you don't want kids. I feel like many people put pressure on women to have children, but really if you don't want them you don't have to have them. And you can be the fun and totally awesome aunt or something instead.

  4. I've been married a few years and don't have kids yet either, and at the moment I feel quite content without them. Of course, I'm 22 and my mindset may very well change in the years to come. I think kids are a blessing and I love working in children's ministries! But neither my husband nor I seem particularly motivated to have our own children. Who knows?

    And I saw that you're going to Influence Conference? I am too!


  5. 1. I love this. Except it makes me sad that someone isn't able to say this without fear of being judged or kicked out of circles for her opinion. It shouldn't be that way.
    2. I love your outfit in this picture.
    3. And your hair. Okay that's all. xoxo

  6. I'm not married, but I feel the same way! It's an awkward conversation to have after the person has already asked the question. Unfortunately, it's not the answer they want to hear. Looking forward to reading more of your blog!

    xo Augenie


  7. Its funny because I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years this November, we have 2 kids together and everyone keeps asking us, so when are you going to get married?

    What about the fact that we are perfectly happy with our current life, have great jobs, are able to take vacations and we are happy with just that! I think many people just don't know what to say in certain situations so its a conversation starter.

    Congrats on NOT wanting them and knowing that is what YOU want, because making you happy is the most important thing:)


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