Finding Motivation

It's funny how much I feel like my dog picks up on my emotions. It's raining and cold and there are probably dozens of things I should be doing right now. Yet I feel a complete and utter lack of motivation. I haven't worked out regularly, slept well, or eaten healthy. Mostly because I lost that drive to keep my body healthy. And I'm not liking the results these actions are yielding. I've just felt there has been something missing. A sense of purpose maybe? I don't know. I could sit here and dwell on this all day, but it wouldn't accomplish anything.

I'm looking for a change. In all areas. How I eat, drink, breath, walk, work, cook, clean. I want to be healthy, happy, and thankful. Sometimes I just think that is what life is. A constant battle to better ourselves, to discover and live out our purpose, and to be happy while we do it.

Alex and I are working on a plan of attack for the both of us. We are starting with the way we spend money, which leads to the way we eat. Once we actually have a plan I'll share. Even though I know the motivation must come from us, sharing is a great way to feel accountable. If all I do is say "hey, we are going to try this out," and then we fail, I'll still feel like we have accomplished something. If we never try to change... we will never change. Kind of obvious, huh?

On a vaguely related topic, I'm afraid of what this blog will look like in a months time. I know I have never been good at keeping up with this and going to school at the same time. I'm making an effort this year to try not to be bulldozed by my classes and workload. I'm learning (ever so slowly) that it really just boils down to making the right choices, even when its not the most appealing choice.

That is how we are going to approach our change. Sometimes cleaning my house or cooking dinner may not be the most appealing option, but tomorrow I'll be thankful I did.

How do you deal with a lack of motivation?

Health update

So, last tuesday I told you guys how I was having abdominal pain. They did an ultra sound to find out if it was gallstones or not, because that is where the pain was located.


The Good News? I have no signs of gallstones what-so-ever!! Which also means no worrying about if I would have to get my gallbladder removed!

The Bad News? I'm still having pain. The radiologist did say that he seems to have found some kidney stones, which is a whole different issue. I went back to the doctor today and he seems to think I have an ulcer...

On the plus side, according to my doctor, an ulcer is fairly easy to take care of and get rid of. They prescribed me some antacids and if it is an ulcer, this should cure it.

If not, I'm afraid I will have to have an endoscopy done :(.  For anyone unfamiliar with what that means, they will have to stick a camera down my throat so they can get a view of my stomach and see what is going on. But, the chances of that are unlikely so I need not worry. Especially because if it is an ulcer, worry is what has gotten me into this whole mess in the first place.

So what does this all mean to me?

I need to stop stressing out. I'm very happy that I have started seeing a counselor for my anxiety. The doctor said that anxiety can definitely cause ulcers so the two absolutely go hand in hand. I'm sad that it has gotten this far. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have my old self back, but I'm getting there. Alex and myself have both seen very big change in my confidence level ever since I began my first session.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is that I need to stop blaming myself. For everything. Which I didn't even realize I was doing, so much so that it is hard for me to know how to change. This is what I have done my whole life. When something goes wrong in one relationship or another, I feel like I should have done something differently to fix it. If I had acted differently I could have changed the outcome.

But life isn't like that. The only thing that I can take responsibility for are my own actions. I can't blame myself for other peoples actions. Just like I can't blame them for mine.

I've also had some toxic relationships in my lifetime. Ones where I blamed myself, and they blamed me also.

But I can't live like that anymore. For one, because it is giving me ulcers!! And two, because those aren't the kind of people I want to have in my life.

I have to stand up for myself, and for who I am.

I've always been afraid that if I said things like, "If they aren't going to pursue a relationship with me, then I am not going to pursue a relationship with them," that would make me selfish. But I'm learning that it isn't always selfish. Sometimes we just have to realize when we are being treated unfairly, or when our friends are abandoning us to say enough is enough. Maybe they actually aren't good friends {which are the exact words my counselor used}.

When the going gets tough, a good friend will be there by your side, or at the very least, they wont abandon you.

I do have some great friends. I'm excited to begin to build those relationships, and step back from the toxic ones.