Automatic Focus

It's funny how much life changes. How a year ago I was one person and today I am someone new. The other day I spent a some time reading back through my old posts. It was fun to see what my thoughts were like at different times in my life. How passionate I was about some subject. The things I thought were funny. The things I felt inclined to share and those I didn't.

It really brought to light how much I have changed over time, and especially made me feel like I'm becoming a grown up. My thoughts and feelings have matured. I am less emotional about things and more logical (for the most part).

A few months ago I got a job, a grown up job. A career beginning job. I have a regular schedule. I am usually in bed by 9 or 9:30, and if I'm not I really pay for it the next day. I've started to make grown up choices, like paying my bills instead of buying new clothes. Every morning I get up, get ready, and head to work. After a solid 8 hours of working, I come home, head to the gym, eat dinner, and go to bed just to have it all begin again the next morning.

Twenty year old me hates who I have become. She hates the lack of adventure. The same thing day in and day out. She hates that I sold out for a career, in a field I never saw myself in. And the only thing I have to say to twenty year old me is that she was wrong. That along the way life changes, and having a life you never thought you wanted can be better than the one you imagined. It may look boring, but its actually peaceful. And peace is something I have definitely been missing in my life.

For the first time I think I know what contentment looks like. It doesn't mean my life is perfect, it means that I can rest for a little while. I can stop striving for something more than I have been given. There are certainly things I would change if I could. Relationships I would mend. Circumstances I would erase. But in this moment I don't have control over those things and I'm letting them go.