As if this story wasn't long enough, Our {love} story part 5

Incase you missed the first four, here they are! {part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4}.

Alright, where did I leave off?

Right, we had just decided to wait 9 months until we started dating, or at least until we would revisit the issue and see if we still had feelings for each other.

I would say that the beginning was the hardest part, but I really don't think that any period of that nine months was harder than any other. It was all a continuous struggle. I wish it had been as simple as just being friends and not dating. But it wasn't.

There were real feelings that had developed. Feelings that I didn't even realize existed until we stopped talking. Every day I fought my urge to text him or call him or just talk to him in the hall. At first we were very rigid about all of our "no talking" rules that we had imposed upon ourselves. We would only talk while we were in groups of people. Which lead to people feeling awkward talking around us and walking away, which led to us staring at each other awkwardly and then walking away ourselves. It's kind of funny to think about now, but at the time it was probably the worst thing I could think of.

The first two months of our waiting were during school. This wasn't just your ordinary school either. We were basically stuck in the same classroom with about 5-9 other people Monday through Thursday for about 5 hours a day. It wasn't like I could just pretend he didn't exist (which I didn't even want to do) I had to be around him nearly every day! And to top it off we both were working at Starbucks and had a lot of the same friends outside of school. Just to clarify we both worked at different locations so we pretty much only saw each other when I would cover shifts at his store.

Over the summer we loosened up on our "no talking" rule a little and would hang out with mutual friends as often as we could. There was the very occasional text to invite each other places.

On my 21st birthday

At the drive-in with some friends

At a BBQ, my friend Carmel is in the middle

Hanging out at a BBQ

Playing badmitten with some of our friends, with my Friend Sara

Playing against Alex and Jason. BTW, I loved that flannel shirt!

During this time I went through a lot of personal struggles. I didn't realize how much validation I thought I needed from guys. There was never once during that 9 months that Alex told me how he was feeling about me. The only thing I had to go off of were things that people told me, my own feelings for him, and the few unrelated things he would say to me here and there. It was so hard to trust in his feelings for me while I was so unsure that they still existed.

And then I messed up.

I wish I could say, it was perfect. I was an angel and I fully trusted his feelings for me and knew that everything was going to work out perfectly. But I didn't. Every day I doubted that I was still what he wanted. I didn't know how to feel, because I couldn't talk with him about it, I had made a promise to wait until January.

I struggled a lot with my own self worth. At one point I started getting attention from other guys, and it started to make me feel better about myself. I had some "validation" that I was pretty enough, or whatever us girls feel like we need validation for.

I ended up kissing another guy.

It was someone that I met while on vacation, I don't even know why I did it. The details of the situation are not important, but what was important was that I was devastated. I'm not sure I have ever been more disappointed in myself. I thought I had ruined everything! I was sure that I was going to have to tell Alex and that he was going to say that everything was over. I remember emailing my friend telling her what a terrible mistake I had made and trying to explain that I thought I was going to marry this guy, and now everything was ruined. [Which may have been the first time that I thoughtpo, what if I am supposed to marry this guy?]

I had a chance at a fairy tale love story and I ruined everything.

After I got back from vacation I told my mentor and she assured me that it was ok and to wait to tell Alex. She brought me back to my senses and kind of helped me see why all this had happened in the first place. I realized how much I had focused just simply on getting attention from guys. During this time of not getting any of that from Alex I sought it out elsewhere. To try to find answers. To know that I was good enough. To know that I was even worth him investing his time in.

As my mentor had suggested I didn't tell Alex, because the fact of the matter was that we were not together. He wasn't my boyfriend, and as guilty as I felt I really was free to date or kiss anyone I wanted... if that is what I actually wanted. Just as he was free to do the same. This was hard for me to accept. Sometimes I still feel guilty about what I did. It was stupid and impulsive, and I wasn't thinking about the long term consequences of my actions. I was only thinking of the immediate. Luckily I was able to see past my mistake and know that in the end it would all work out.

Towards the end of summer Alex and I, little by little, started to talk more. We would actually have conversations over text messages! There was some make up work that we had to do for one of the classes that we had taken the year before and towards the end of the summer we started to work on it. We used it as an excuse to go out to coffee shops together to "work on homework". Which we did do, but we also just wanted to be around each other.

You would think that after all this time that maybe our feelings for each other would wane a bit, but they didn't. Not even a little bit. The closer January came, the stronger my feelings grew. Every time I saw him it killed me not to be able to hold his hand, or tell him how handsome I thought he looked. It killed me that the majority of our time together was spent with other people, who usually didn't understand our joking/flirting. I was just hoping and praying that maybe Alex would decide that he didn't want to wait until January. That he would decide that he wanted to date sooner. As much as I wanted to tell him that this was something that I wanted, I decided not to. I really felt like God was telling me just to wait. To allow Alex to be the one to make the decision of when we were going to start dating.

Towards the end of August, I started to get word that Alex was considering asking me out early!

As opposed to waiting until January, he was thinking of asking me sometime in October, which was only 2 months away! I was exstatic! I heard that he was going to have a meeting with Jason, the director of the school, to help him decide if he should ask me out before January 1st, or what he should do. For the first time I realized that Alex and I were completely on the same page. I knew that we were feeling the same way. Just weeks before I had prayed about this exact issue, and then I heard through people that Alex had been praying about the same thing. Even though we had never mentioned this to each other.

I knew that this was not going to be an ordinary relationship. I knew without a doubt that if this relationship happened, that it was going to be the real deal. It was going to be a true, long term relationship.

As crazy as everyone thought I was, I knew that this was going to be the man that I married.

Other people started catching on as well. Some of my friends started making bets about when we were going to get married. All of which were way too soon!

Or so I thought.

Did we end up dating early?

Check back tomorrow for the final part of our love story!

My biggest struggle?

Being too judgmental.

Honestly, this is something that I really hate. Not only am I judgmental of other people, I'm extremely judgmental of myself. My husband and I both try to encourage each other in this, but it is hard. 


But you know what? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that struggles with this. I hear it all the time. I hear people talking about how this girl is fatter than that girl, or how that person should not be wearing that shirt. Or how that girl is too good for that guy. That couple fights more than this other couple. The list goes on and on, and I would be a complete hypocrite if I ever said that I do not participate in any of these conversations or have these negative thoughts.


And it's ugly. I do not like this about myself.

I will be the very first to admit that this more than likely just stems from my own insecurities.
What if I don't measure up?
What if people think I'm fat?
What if I wear clothes that I should not be wearing?
What if we are the couple that fights all the time?

I try to act cool and confident. But inside I always feel like in one way or another I'm not measuring up. I could list every single part of my body that I wish was skinnier or every part of my personality that I wish was different. Heck, I could probably name like 20 different things that I wish I was better at. Actually, I'm sure I could write more than that.

How do I change? And how do I encourage change in others? To that I do not have answers. I only hope and pray that this isn't a part of my life forever. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself and on other people. People have enough problems of their own without me (and others) being judgmental about them. 


And the worst part is that I genuinely want the best for people. I want them to know that they are beautiful. I want people to know that they don't have to look like a Victoria's Secret model to be beautiful or "sexy". And I genuinely want all people to believe and see that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors and personalities. 


Sometimes I just get caught up in everything that I am lacking to see that maybe the only true things that I am lacking are love, compassion, and humility.

How can we be an uplifting community that doesn't tear each other down just to make us feel better about ourselves?

"For Better, Or Much Worse"

A couple weeks ago for my English class I had to write an imaginative essay, which was basically just a poem. I enjoyed the way it turned out so I thought I would share it with you guys. Don't worry the story told is completely fictitious, I came up with it as I was writing. Hope you enjoy it! The style of poem is based off of Robert Brownings "The Duchess".

“For Better, or Much Worse”

1 “All in good nature”, she will have you believe

“For fun, for love, for laughter. And you never shall leave

Me behind.” The words she will whisper sweet

In your ear. The liaison between those words and your ears, meet

5 And leave you dead to your fears. For tomorrow shall

Be the beginning of starts. Love is everything, is all

That you dream. She is quite beautiful, I shall give you that.

Some times beauty can fool you. If that love hasn’t sat

For years and months. For sit and wait

10 It shall answer your true fears. For the long late

Sitting will certainly test. Your patients I promise

Shall pay ten fold. When the colors of your goddess

Unravel before your eyes. I have no motivation

For these words I say. Never to ruin your special occasion,

15 Would I dream. Please ignore the harshness of tone,

I also believe that true love should last. With this young lady, I own

Up to my doubts. For, “love is patient”, 

they always do say. So settle not on a life complacent,

Which is far less than you deserve. A man of your word

20 I can tell from here. A man of great valor, I have heard.

They tell me your name. It means “a calm gentle spirit 

with strength like no other”. A merit

Earning name. A prized possession you truly are

I can see. For simply living up to your bar

25 You have always done. And living beyond that has

Never once been in question. Whereas

Her character I question daily. Cold to the bone

And evil demeanor. Honestly she alone

Has been known to be angry and hurtful. Everyday for fun,

30 Is what I say. Quips at all expense

But her own. This letter has been days since

I started. To finish is not easy, quite 

Opposite really. Now I begin my fright

Please forgive me. For this letter shall find you

35 completely lost and alone. For I too

Am not there to comfort your wounds. I’m sorry my love

To leave you this way. I’m not what you’ve pictured, above

Your beliefs. You’ve thought I was perfect

With never a fault. I’m telling you now that you need to reflect

40 For maybe the actions you have seen have not been my own.

They have been yours. Yours alone,

And I am not deserving. For, quite simply, I’m beneath your honor.

By the way, I am MAJORLY stressing out about school right now!! I have three more assignments and 5 tests to do by the end of the night! Only one of which can be turned in late, luckily the hardest of all the assignments. The three assignments are not from procrastinating, those were all assigned for today. Four of the 5 tests are due entirely to my procrastination. So don't feel too sorry for me.


My current classes are honestly the heaviest work load I have ever had in my entire school career. Yuck. I suppose it is supposed to get harder as it goes, but I am barely finishing my associates, I thought I wasn't going to have this much work until next year.

Oh well. Only 2/3 more weeks and then I'm done for a solid three months! Never looked forward to my freedom this much before!

This is me, a big fat nerd

I've been working on editing my about me section lately. After some thought I decided I wanted to make it an actual post because, let's face it, not everyone reads that section. I wanted to take some time to do a proper introduction, especially because I've got some brand new followers out there.

(To the newbies, Welcome! I'm so flattered that people are actually reading my babble!)

First of all... I am a complete nerd. I am not even going to try to pretend it isn't true.

I pretty much had no (or a very limited supply of) friends when I was younger.

Not looking for pity, just being real. I was so so not the popular girl in school.

But I didn't really mind too much, because the friends I did have were real. (Ok... Honestly I may have minded at the time, but looking back I am beyond thankful that I was friends with the nerdier crowd. Friends, don't be offended, you know it is true.)

We weren't obsessed with how big our boobs were (highly important issues as a tween),

or how "fat" each other were.

We didn't care about boys....

Ok... Mom, Dad...

We totally cared about boys.

I know you want to believe that I was "Little Miss Innocent", I do play the part well :],

but I guess I can only speak for myself when I say that, I liked pretty much every boy that said "hi" to me.

(Trust me I totally know you guys never fell for the "innocent" act, but just keep letting me believe I had you fooled, at least until I have kids of my own.)

Anyways, back on topic...

I'm a nerd.

The day my husband and I started dating was during an all day Star Wars marathon he hosted with some of his friends... Pretty sure it doesn't get much nerdier than that.

And he constantly tells me that that is how he knew I was a "keeper".

Because he didn't think he would ever have a chance to be with anyone as nerdy as me.

How sweet right?

??

My 21st birthday. 10 months prior to our first real date. Look at the love in our eyes.

This picture is purely for the sake of letting you know that he doesn't look like that 18 year old in the picture above anymore. Looks change a lot in 4 years huh?

I love my husband. Marriage is the best gift I have ever been given.

It amazes me each day when he wakes up next to me and I see the look of utter adoration in his eyes.

For me.

Me? Really?
And he sees the way I look in the morning, and the way I don't clean when I should, and the way I get grumpy when I haven't eaten.
And he still loves me.

The day we got engaged.

Our marriage is far from perfect and I am more than open to share that.
We argue. (Gasp!)
But after everything else, we love each other the way I have never experienced love before.

Ok, more on our gushy love story another time.

(BTW, Does anyone who knows me outside of the blogosphere have pictures of us during the pre-dating stage, particularly a certain party where we got a certain set of bears?... Kind of a necessity for any future love story posts.)

I'm obsessed with my cats.
Mostly only one of them (I know I'm a terrible cat mom).
I'm not even slightly joking when I tell you that 
.every. single. day.
I tell my husband how cute our cats are.


This is Bret. He is the cutest, sweetest, most loving and cuddly cat I have ever met.
How could I not love a little face like this??

This is Jemaine...

He is a little more on the eccentric side. He likes to eat and drink with his paws.
We put his bowl at the table just to see if he would try to eat like a person...
He did.
BTW, I'm not sure if any of you have heard of Flight of the Conchords, but if you have... Yes, they were the inspiration for our cat names.


Flight of the Conchords is amazing. They are an actual musical duo, but they also had a show called "Flight of the Conchords" (Go figure?)
This is one of their amazing songs (purely for comedic purposes).



Also... Random fact, I can't live without my cardigans.
I wear a sweater every day. Sweat shirts are just too bulky. Sweaters are amazing.
No joke.

Anyways, I started this blog a couple of years ago because I love to write. Love to write.

I used to write song lyrics and poems. Most of them were really depressing, due in part to happy poems sounding super cheesy. (I've tried, it's hard.) Some people think blogging is weird, or it is a form of seeking attention, or a way to be fake. Personally, I just like it. I like to share my thoughts and feelings and opinions, on just about everything.

Not everyone will like to read my blog, and that is perfectly fine. I'm not doing this for attention, or even to try to change the world. I'm doing it for me.
Because I like it.
Because I'm inspired by others who also share their hearts.
Because I love being a part of a community that encourages, inspires, motivates, and calls higher those around them.
I would be ecstatic if my blog in any way did any of those things for any person. Even if it was only one person. I know what it is to feel sorrow, shame, and hopelessness.  My only goal is really just to let people know that, despite how they may feel, they truly are not alone. Including me.
I'm not alone, and slowly but surely I am realizing that more and more.

My blog name was originally "Life: The Pursuit of Something more than Ordinary". I changed it because, for one it was a really long name. And two, because I wanted something different.
Although that is still my goal in life, to live a life that is more than just mundane and boring, I also felt like it didn't properly convey what I wanted this blog to be for me. This place here is a space for me to relax. A place for me to find me.

 I wanted to portray a setting that is calm and relaxing and inviting. For me, the picture that comes to mind is me, curled up on the couch with a blanket in a beautiful cottage style home on a farm.
A glass of red wine in hand and a good book on my lap.
Somehow that just speaks to me. And that is what I wanted. I wanted that warm cozy feeling when I curl up on the couch with my lap top and lay all my feelings, hopes, dreams, and frustrations out on the table. I wanted to be able to feel the weight lifted off my shoulders usually felt only after a few hours of letting go.

Sometimes life.

via This Kind of Love

Sometimes life has a way of sucking the air out of your lungs. 

Sometimes it isn't pleasant, it isn't fun, and it isn't everything you always dreamed it would be. 

Sometimes it takes all that you have to pull yourself from one moment to the next.

Sometimes you look back and realize that somehow you thought things would be easier.

That you wouldn't have the struggles.

Or the heartaches.

That your life would be different than the others.

That you were immune from it all.

Immune from life,

And all the pain that it brings with it.

And after awhile, 

You pick yourself up,

And dust yourself off,

And realize that you can still go on living.

That there is still life out there.

That things could always have been worse.

And then you thank God

For his Grace.

His Hope.

His Love.

His Perseverance.

His Patients.

His Kindness.

And His Forgiveness.

Goals for 2012

I wanted to write this post awhile ago... Like closer to New Years. Oh well, better late than never. I just wanted to share some of my goals for 2012. It is probably best that I waited awhile to share because I have been changing and tweaking my goals a little here and there since I have been thinking about it more and more. This is more a list of values that I want to focus on for my whole life, not just 2012.

Well here they are:

1. Focus on me.  By this I mean getting back to basics, doing the things I love, leaving behind the things I don't, and doing what I want and not letting other peoples' judgments affect and change my decisions.

2. Take care of my body. Be more aware of what I am putting on my body, in my body, and how I'm using my body. I want to do what is best for my body to keep it healthy and strong. How I use it and what I put in and on it are so important to keeping it as healthy as it can be.

3. Spend more time with my husband. We already spend a lot of time together, but I want quality time! Like eating dinner at the table talking instead of sitting in front of the TV. Or paying attention to him instead of reading facebook or *ahem* reading blogs. He really is the most important person in my life, and he deserves all the attention I have to give.

4. Run. Vague? Well... not really. I love to run. Alex and I ran a 5k last summer it was really awesome (highly recommend signing up for one if you are lacking motivation). The real goal is to run some more races. To keep my self realistic I am going to say that my goal is to run a 10k by the end of summer (since this winter has really destroyed my running routine). My unrealistic goal is to run a half marathon, which has actually been my goal for this coming summer for awhile now.

5. Blog more. Until sometime last month I was kind of a crappy blogger. I pretty much posted like once or twice a month, sometimes even once every 2-4 months. I read somewhere that you should try to post every day. Not just to get a blog following but because it actually makes you a better writer since you are practicing every day. So... Here we go, I'm gonna try to do one every day, or at least almost everyday. That is a pretty hefty goal with my track record, can anyone help me out with this? Tips, encouragement, words of wisdom. I'm open to any and all suggestions. Also along with writing more blogs I want to do more link parties and have picked a few that I am going to try to link up to every week.

6. Learn more about photography. Or just take some decent pictures. I've been using my iPhone lately instead of my camera, because it is just always there. I don't mind using it, I actually think it would be fun to get some accessories for it. (My husband got me some new lenses for my iPhone for Christmas). Really, I'm working on it. My biggest problem is lighting because I usually take pictures at night due to working hours. That will be changing soon though, so I will lose that excuse.

7. Do all my homework... ON TIME. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I am back in school. This is so important to me this time around. I really want to do good, stay motivated, and enjoy what I'm learning.

8. Delete Facebook. This is my last goal. It really ties in with all of my other goals because do you know what I am often caught doing (by my husband, of course) when I should be or want to be doing any of the above things? Reading Facebook. Horrible, I know. I just get so sucked into finding out what people are doing where they are going what they are wearing. UGH. It is bad, and I have really thought hard about deleting it for awhile now. It wasn't until I read a post someone wrote about it that I really felt convicted and decided enough is enough, I just need to bite the bullet and do it... soon. I did delete the app off my phone and this has helped tremendously already. My husband is even noticing a difference. I've kept it mostly just to keep people updated on my blog updates, but I just started a page just dedicated to my blog so people can still follow and I can delete my personal page. If you would like to read the post that really helped me solidify my decision, this is Mary in Marriedland. I just found this blog and I really love the way she writes from the heart. Check out her blog, it is pretty inspiring.


There you have it. My goals. I tried to keep it realistic, but I also need a challenge. This year really feels like it is going to be different than most. I feel change coming, and I'm ready and excited for it.

Just a couple things I'm thankful for...

Today I just want to say how thankful I am for my friends, all of them. There are a couple friends in particular that I know, in some shape or form, will always be a part of my life. There have been years where we haven't talked at all, years that we have fought, years that I thought we would never speak again, and then years where I remember that my life would be so different had I never met them. Sometimes we live in different cities, states, and even countries, but somehow our paths have always found a way to meet up.

This is true friendship. Not one that is fake, but one where life pulls you apart and pushes you together and even in the times were you are angry with each other, you couldn't imagine your life without them. 

I just want to say thank you for sticking with me through my personal battles and constant ebbs and flows of life, and helping me grow and become a better person along the way. Both of you mean a lot to me, regardless of what we have been through, and I'm so grateful I met each of you so many years ago.

A Beautiful Mess

Alex and my two year anniversary is coming up this November. I can't believe it has almost been two years already. I also can't believe how drastically our relationship has changed in the last two years, and we still have many many many more to come.



After some recent conversations with good friends (married and single) I have realized that there is such a miscommunication about what marriage is like. We always hear how "hard" it is. I'm not sure there is a more vague description. It is so much more than just hard, at least in my experience. Marriage is a constant struggle to find each other, yourself, and God. It is painful and yet, rewarding. It is a wonderful, fun, peaceful, fulfilling, most difficult thing that you can ever experience. Or at least I believe it can be. It definitely is not perfect every day nor is it constantly full of emotional love. It is more natural and real than that. Love is just a fact. It is always there, but not always felt. And I don't believe this is in any way a bad thing.



On top of all the pressures of being married, there is this horrible stigma of arguing. Since divorce rates are so high, it seems like many couples are just out there trying to beat the odds. And it seems as though fighting has been the blame of divorce, or at least that is how if feels for newlyweds. We are so scared to argue because we think that other people will think we made a mistake, or will not think we are right together or they will say "I knew they should have waited". But don't you think it should be normal for couples to fight? Especially in the first few years of marriage? You are two completely different people with different backgrounds who have usually made many mistakes. We all have our own pasts and our parents mistakes to overcome. We learn so many of our behaviors from our parents and we grow up in completely different houses, towns, sometimes even with different spiritual beliefs. Shouldn't it be ok and accepted to have some arguments? To do things "wrong" every now and then?



Women (at least in the Christian community) have become so consumed with not being the "overbearing controlling woman" that they have tried so hard to fight off all of their anger. As a woman I can say that sometimes I am completely irrational. Sometimes I get really angry about something that is incredibly stupid. In the very beginning of our marriage I had no idea that I could get so worked up over something so small and insignificant. Sometimes, when I got too angry, I would just lock myself up in the bedroom and not talk to Alex for hours. It wasn't because I was mad and he did something wrong and I felt like he should be punished, it was because I had no idea how to communicate to him how I was feeling, what I was thinking and why this small thing was such a huge deal to me. I usually felt like I was crazy. I was so concerned with people knowing that we fought and being a terrible wife, that I would get more insecure and irrational. Very very gradually, with much patients on Alex's part, I learned how to communicate in a healthier way. However, if we just stifle our anger and emotions, we can never get to the good stuff.



I am not trying to say that all arguing is great but I don't believe that fighting alone can ruin a marriage. I do believe that if one person is unwilling and refuses to accept their own faults and doesn't try to see the others point of view, that is how arguing can go bad. But if you aren't free to express anger and frustration in a healthy way, even if it looks a little ugly sometimes, how can you change and grow together? How can you love each other through "the good times and the bad" if you don't allow yourself to express your true emotions?



All of the married couples that I am amazed by, and who have been together for many years, argue. Not only that but they are incredibly honest about it and they don't even think it is a huge deal. These aren't the marriages where the woman says "I just had to learn to bite my tongue because I wanted to be the loving wife, and eventually I learned not to get upset with him." These are the ones that sometimes say "I literally thought I was going to kill him, but eventually we began to understand each other and the small issues became easier to work through."



Many people say that the most important thing in a marriage is communication, and I wholeheartedly believe this. It isn't about being "perfect for each other" "meant to be" or "the one". Those people get divorced too, and find new "ones". It is important for every couple to accept that sometimes things are going to be messy, and your relationship may never look like some other couple, and that is perfectly ok. If we are always trying to prove that we are happy and comparing ourselves to others, we are going to miss out on something so much deeper and more meaningful.

Today I simply write about life...

This afternoon I am sitting around my messy house in my sweats, with many unfinished projects and chores to attend to, and yet I am content. This is life. It isn't about how cute I can make my house look or how many possessions I can afford.
Earlier I found a blog that I really fell in love with. Not because this woman had a beautiful home or because she was an excellent writer, but because she was real. She didn't pretend to have her life in order, actually many of her posts were about how upset she was and how little things in life don't go as planned. Her and her husband took a risk and bought a home, and it actually ended up being a really terrible decision. They have basically lost all of their life savings. It is truly an unfortunate situation, and yet at the same time I find myself so inspired by this woman. Simply because she can be real with herself, and the world, and say that she is broken.
I guess this just really hit home with me because I am tired of everyone (including myself) pretending that life is perfect and wonderful, because it isn't. I'm not trying to be depressing or say that I am not happy with my life. Honestly, I don't want to have a perfect life, where is the fun in that? If something is going wrong in your life it seems as though it must reflect on the character of who you are and not simply that we are just human beings, learning and making mistakes as we go. Why must making a mistake mean something bad about who we are? I don't know about you, but I am far from perfect. My life hardly ever goes "as planned", and even when it does that "plan" isn't always as glamorous as I thought it would be. Sometimes when we stick to our own plan for our life we miss out on so much more that we could be experiencing.
I met this woman the other day that really inspired me to be less concerned about where this life is going and more concerned with what I am going to do with the day ahead of me. She told me a story of how she went to a foreign country (I think it was the Congo but I can't remember) on a missions trip, to teach people about Jesus. Apparently most missionaries do not return form this trip because they are killed for speaking about Jesus. So, naturally, before she left all of her friends and family warned her not to go, saying that she would be killed and never return. Do you know what she said to them? "So what? Let them kill me, I don't care! But before they kill me you better believe I am going to tell them about Jesus." Not only am I inspired by her abandonment for God, but also by her confidence. There is really something that can be said about a person who would willingly give up their life for something or someone else. They are saying "Even if I am not able to accomplish anything else, my life was a success." How many of us can say that? Who can say they are content with the level of success that they have achieved at this very moment, so much so that if they died they would not have a regret? And why must we go half way around the world to feel like this?
I believe whole heartedly that this is the life Jesus is calling us to. Not to become missionaries, but to a life of fearlessness, abandonment, and confidence. It is possible to do that in everyday life. Just being real and being honest about your problems can be an act of fearlessness.
There are always different seasons of our life. Sometimes we can feel incredibly confident, knowing who we are and that we are capable of everything. Other times we can feel unsure of ourselves, and fearing what others think of us.
For a very long time I was the most confident in myself that I had ever been. I knew who I was, what I wanted to be, and how I was going to get there. Then one day my whole life changed. Suddenly the confidence that had become such a huge part of me began slipping away. While Alex and I were working out nearly a year and a half ago, I experienced my first panic attack. Since that time I have experience dozens more, mostly when I am driving, running, or in the grocery store. I have sifted through every negative experience and emotion that I can possibly think of to try to explain why this would be happening to me. I have researched and found vitamin deficiencies, organ malfunctions, and diseases that could be causing this and taken dozens of vitamins and pills ( no anti-depressants/anxiety pills) to bring me back to myself again. All of this just leading to one conclusion, I have no idea why this is happening to me. I really truly deeply love my life, husband, family, and friends. I didn't have a terribly traumatic childhood. These panic attacks have left me feeling paralyzed and as though my life will never be normal again. I can't even drive on the freeway, or any other high speed road. It is truly one of the worst things I have ever experienced. I would take physical pain over this intense fearfulness and loss of control.
Slowly but surely I have decided that I will gain my confidence back. Even if I have to fight for the rest of my life. I will not abandon the virtue of feeling at peace once again. Everyday I have started asking myself, what is the worst thing that could happen? I could either die or be humiliated. So what! If I die then I can be with Jesus, and I don't have to be humiliated if I don't want to be. I will never lay down and just let life happen to me. This life will be what I (and my husband) make it, and that's that!

A topic near and dear to my heart... Marriage

My husband and I have been married for nearly 8 months. Thus I am a complete expert on the subject of marriage... not really. However, in my little experience this is what I have learned:

The biggest struggle that I have faced as a new wife is learning how to ignore those who are waiting to see us fail, and resist the pressure to be the perfect couple. Recently a dear friend of mine said something that I think sums up what I am trying to say very nicely, "When you get married you find out who your true friends are." I think we can agree this is true for any major change in life. You can tell when someone's happiness for you is genuine or fake. Thinking maybe I was the only one who felt this way I started listening to what people were saying about other couples getting married (I even listened to the words coming from my own mouth). I listened to other brides vent their frustrations of friends not sticking by their decision. That is when I realized that this truly is a common theme for us newlyweds (or soon to be). For some reason, as human beings, we have decided that we have a right to judge other peoples actions and motives.

The truth is, I guess I am writing this because I don't want to be the perfect couple and I am tired of feeling pressured. I have recently discovered that we newlyweds try to compare ourselves to each other... but why? There really is no newly married couple that I look up to, and I don't think any others look up to us. Not because I don't believe that any of us do or do not have a wonderful marriage, but because as newlyweds we have little to no experience (let me just say that I have many newly married friends that I love and respect and I enjoy sharing our experiences and learning from each other). The marriages that I look up to are the ones who have been married for 10, 15, 20 years, and still have a deep appreciation for each other. The ones who truly know what "for better or worse" means. These are the ones that astound me. I cannot compete with that, and I don't want to. We have so many years left to grow and understand.

For a few months I fought to keep the "spark" in our marriage, because I thought then we would become like those older married couples. Then I realized, we cannot recreate the feelings we had while we were dating, but that doesn't mean there are no "sparks". Most of the time these "sparks" don't show up as overwhelming feelings at all, but rather as things I have come to appreciate. I have learned that going out on dates isn't the highlight of my time with my husband. The things that I appreciate the most are much more simple than that, like the fact that he often makes me breakfast in the morning even though I have the day off and he doesn't. That he doesn't care if the house is messy for a week or two even though I have had plenty of time to clean it, and then that he helps me clean it even though he works all the time. That I can say anything I am thinking and he never thinks I am stupid. When we get in a fight he is always ready to apologize much sooner than I am ready to forgive (or when he isn't even the one that did anything wrong), and he always, without question, forgives me. These are the types of things that make me think, "I could not have asked for anyone better."

Before deciding to get married I thought that if its the right person then everyone in my life would be supportive. Then I got engaged... that is when I found out you can't win 'em all. I realized that ultimately the only person who knows for sure you are making the right decision is yourself. There will be many people giving you their own opinions about how you should find the right person, how long you should date before you get engaged, how long you should be engaged for, what you should do on your wedding day, how to be the perfect wife or husband, the list goes on... and on. The fact of the matter is, you will only be happy if you make decisions based on your own convictions. And isn't the point of marriage not to be the happiest you have ever been, but to make a life long commitment to someone?

I love my husband with all that I have and not a single day do I regret my decision to marry him. I am thankful every day that he is in my life, teaching me how to be less selfish and more caring. However, I never want to claim that my marriage is perfect, or even that it is better than any other. To all of my friends I have talked to about this, thank you for allowing me to be sincere and for being sincere in return. And to the couples I look up to, thank you for setting a wonderful example and, most of all, being truthful about your struggles and hardships. I truly value your wise words.