Friday Letters

dear week, You have been crazy and awesome. Truly this has been one of the best weeks that I have had in a very long time. There hasn't been anything particularly special, just an over all sense of joy, and excitement.

dear OSU, Ahhh... thank you for accepting me!! I'm so so excited to actually begin pursuing my bachelors degree. It is definitely over due. I was very afraid I was going to have to tell all my friends and family that you rejected me. But alas, I am officially a beaver now! I know my in-laws are happy about that!

dear self, Can I just tell you how proud of you I am? Really this has been a rough journey to get to where we are now, but it has been well worth it. I am feeling more confident than I have felt... maybe ever. I know that there will be more rough times in life, but I pray that you won't forget how much strength you have.

I'm changing things up a little bit today with my friday letters. For anyone who doesn't know I've been seeing a counselor for anxiety for about a month now, you can read all about it here. My husband has been writing me daily letters for awhile now, and I wanted to share the one he wrote for me today with. It was so sweet and made me cry a lot.

Dear Tanya,

I am so, so thankful for your counseling sessions. I think its exactly what you have been needing. Last night on our walk I was so happy to hear you talk about how you feel powerful and confident. I don’t say this to be mean in any way, but I feel like I’m getting the woman I learned about in Life School. You are coming back to your old self (in a very good way), I can see the fear leaving you and your strong confidence returning. It makes me so happy to see it! I knew that it was always there, just waiting to come out. It did at times, you couldn’t always hold back who you are, but now its coming out in leaps and bounds. And I love it! You have always been my amazing wife, the entire time we have been married. I have always been thankful we are together, and been thankful that you are my wife and you are wonderful for our entire marriage. Now though, I continue to have increasing reason to be thankful. You are a strong, confident woman and you amaze me. Continue to be you in every way. I love you and will continue to love you no matter what. 

Sincerely,

Your Husband

dear alex, Thank you, thank you, thank you for never doubting in me. You are an amazing man. I know that this whole process has been hard for you to watch, but I am so thankful that you have been there for me to count on the entire way. You know that you are an amazing man when my counselor constantly tells me how great you are. I'm thankful for you every day of my life.

dear life, Thank you for continuing to be amazing, even when I doubted you.

Linking up to:

I'm moving out!

Just a quick post to tell you that, I'm pretty sure I need to move out of my house.
Like ASAP.
There is a spider.

I'm not just talking about your regular everyday spider that is little and you kill it and that's that.
Nope. I'm talking about a stalker spider.
I came out of a nice relaxing shower yesterday, opened my bathroom door to go to my bedroom, and there he is.
Sitting on the ceiling, staring into the bathroom.
So naturally, I run as fast as I possibly can without removing my eyes from the ceiling.
And what does that spider do?
FOLLOWS ME!
Yep. Follows me.
Crawls along the ceiling and waits right outside my bedroom door.
And this isn't just a little spider.
He is big, but not just big, he has FAT legs, especially the front ones!

After I'm done getting ready, I run out of my room, he just keeps following me.

A few hours later, I go to look for him.
Don't see him, so I just tap on the wall to see what he does.
Of course that creepy bug comes out of no where, because he realizing that I am back.
Then he goes missing for a few hours.

Last night I REFUSED to go to bed until that guy was dead.
We literally searched everywhere, but we couldn't find him.
So, I leave my light on, and don't go to sleep until he shows up.
WHICH HE DOES!
I'm not even kidding you.
Like an hour after we go to bed he {or at least I thought it was him} comes crawling out right above our bed.
I wake up my husband.
He kills the spider.
I feel slightly better {still feeling like there could be another one out there}.
We go to sleep.

The end?... I wish.

Just now I was changing out of my work clothes, and out of the corner of my eye see a black thing moving around on my curtain rod.
I swear it is the same spider.
The one that we killed didn't quite look as fat as this one, but I thought I was just delusional because it was nearly 2am.
The spider I just saw is a fatty one.
He has big "muscular" front legs.
I stood up on my bed to see him a little closer {with shoe in hand because I can not let him get away, especially not in my bedroom!!}
And what does that little beast do?
He looks right back at me!
Stops crawling, sits right on the edge of my curtain rod, and stares at me.
I promise you I am not lying.
But I didn't kill him.
Because, how the heck do you kill a giant spider on a curtain rod without making it fall on you?
I'm not sure of the answer to this question.
Thus, I'm packing my bags.

Alex, call me when you are sure this thing is dead.
I know he is after me.


PS. I swear I'm not crazy, although it may seem like it after this post.


PPS. I just did a little bit of research and I'm pretty sure it is a "daring jumping spider" I didn't see any whitish gray hair, but I've honestly tried not to get that close to him.

Behavior: It's a hunter that likes to crawl on vertical surfaces using a line of thread as a safety line. It stalks and pounces on small insects. It may jump if startled. It has extremely good eyesight for a spider, and may sit back on its haunches and raise its head to look at you. I noticed mine raising its two front legs and feeling its way (or was it some kind of display?) {source} 

source

My background {to the love story}

So, I know that I said Alex was going to share our love story, but before he continues I think I need to give you a little more background to why I wasn't ready to date yet.

You see, a year before I met Alex, I had gone through an ugly breakup with my very first "long term" (a year and a half) boyfriend which left me in a rough place. I was 19, just finishing my freshman year in college and not really sure how to survive in the real world. Very soon after this breakup I decided to write a list of all the traits that I wanted in a future husband, and then I made a second list of all the traits that I needed to have to attract the kind of guy I was looking for.

After that, I thought I wouldn't want to date anyone for a long while. And then something strange happened. I found that, for the very first time in my life, guys were actually interested in me. I would see a guy I thought was cute, and they would actually ask for my number! This was so new and exciting to me that I decided, not to swear off dating but to view it much more casually. I had been hurt pretty bad and I was {or at least thought I was} ready to just have fun, and not be tied down to one particular person.

I honestly felt like a whole new person. In high school I was never, ever, the kid that went out to parties. I was the kid that didn't know that high schoolers actually had parties, I thought it was a myth. I still find myself shocked when younger people tell me the kind of stuff that goes on in high school, and even in middle school! I wouldn't necessarily say I was "sheltered", I like call it "oblivious".  


Anyways, lets just say I hit my "partying" stage in life. I was finally the social butterfly that I always wanted to be. I made tons of friends, we had parties all the time. And yes, there was definitely alcohol involved. I'm not going to lie, it was actually a lot of fun and do value that year of life that I had.

The only thing I would take back are the relationships with guys that I had that year. I did casually date a lot of guys, some because they didn't want a serious relationship, some because I wasn't ready to have one, and couple because neither of us were looking for a relationship. Which, in some ways, I don't really see much of a problem with. It was more the way in which I went about it. I had decided that I wanted to be like a guy, and not feel any emotional attachment to guys. However, I think it just left me feeling even more broken and even a bit used. And lets face it, I'm not a guy! I have so many emotions that most of the time they just come spilling out of me uncontrollably.

I wanted some sort of companionship, but I wasn't quite ready to jump in head first. I was skeptical about ever dating anyone again, but I also had a tremendous void in my life that I wanted desperately to fill. I grew to believe that there was something massively wrong with me. That I was incapable of having a true healthy relationship. I was doomed to always be who I was in my past relationships. Looking back I can see that, of course I was immature and stupid in relationships, I was 18/19!



The last relationship I had was the summer before I met Alex. He was a very devout Christian, and honestly looking back I think that was the only thing that interested me in him. After the crazy year I had, I was intrigued by his love for God, and somewhere along the way I knew that I had misplaced that. When that relationship ended, I was confused but I still knew that no matter what guy came in or out of my life, that I needed God.

Some of my friends didn't really understand this "new" {to them} person I had become and I did lose a lot of friends. Or rather, we just didn't have as much in common as we thought, and many of us went our separate ways. I didn't want to go to parties, I didn't want to be around alcohol, I just wanted to find out who I was.

Thus, I somehow miraculously found myself attending a discipleship school in a local church, with only a couple people that I had barely known. Which is where Alex's story begins.

****************************************************************************************

In case you missed it check out part 1 of our love story written by my husband!

Linking up with:

what I wore & friday letters

Shirt: AE {very old shirt of my husband's} / Pants, Shoes, Belt: Target / Jacket: Nordstroms / Bracelet {Necklace}: Fred Meyer / Tank Top: Old Navy / Glasses: Nine West {from my optometrist}

dear husband's shirt, I know that you are way way too big for me and maybe even a little unflattering, but I love you! I find myself wanting to wear you with everything. Maybe it is because you technically belong to my husband {but are far too small for him}, or maybe it is just because of your color. Either way, I love you and probably find excuses to wear you far too often.

dear bret {my cat}, You kill me! I'm not sure how any one thing can have so much cuteness rolled up into one. You are the cuddliest cat I have ever met, and I absolutely love it. You are such a sweetheart and are always doing the most adorable loving things.

dear carissa, I'm so blessed by our friendship and I'm so happy that we have known each other for almost 20 years!! I can't believe that. You are such a sweet and amazing person and every time I leave from our coffee sessions I always come home and tell Alex how awesome you are. Thanks for being my friend for so many years!

dear coffee, I LONG to be reunited with you. It has been far too long since I have drank a real cup of coffee and I miss it dearly. {I can't drink coffee because I am mildly hypoglycemic and even decaf makes me incredibly shaky}.

dear sun, Please don't leave us! I need you in my life!

There you have it! Join in and link up!

white blouse, striped skirt

shirt: TJmaxx / Skirt: Target / Belt: Urban Outfitters /Boots: Nordstrom (Ugg Channing boots) / Earrings: Jolie Boutique (Located in Maui, no online site available) / Nylons: Fred Meyer / headband: homemade from a t-shirt 

This weekend Alex and I worked on his photography skills. I'm so proud of him! I thought he did really well. It is so hard to tell someone what to do when you are the one in front of the camera. So, before we went out I showed him some examples of good portraits {via Vintage Pretty who always has adorable pictures, maybe it is just her though?}. I think he is starting to get the hang of it, he was even telling me what kind of poses to make, which never happens.

What do you guys think? Compare these pictures with: this, this, and this. Better?

He also wasn't a fan of the shirt/skirt combination. He said the shirt {faux silk} is too dressy for this skirt {jersey knit}. 

Do you agree?

Linking up to: 

Health update

So, last tuesday I told you guys how I was having abdominal pain. They did an ultra sound to find out if it was gallstones or not, because that is where the pain was located.


The Good News? I have no signs of gallstones what-so-ever!! Which also means no worrying about if I would have to get my gallbladder removed!

The Bad News? I'm still having pain. The radiologist did say that he seems to have found some kidney stones, which is a whole different issue. I went back to the doctor today and he seems to think I have an ulcer...

On the plus side, according to my doctor, an ulcer is fairly easy to take care of and get rid of. They prescribed me some antacids and if it is an ulcer, this should cure it.

If not, I'm afraid I will have to have an endoscopy done :(.  For anyone unfamiliar with what that means, they will have to stick a camera down my throat so they can get a view of my stomach and see what is going on. But, the chances of that are unlikely so I need not worry. Especially because if it is an ulcer, worry is what has gotten me into this whole mess in the first place.

So what does this all mean to me?

I need to stop stressing out. I'm very happy that I have started seeing a counselor for my anxiety. The doctor said that anxiety can definitely cause ulcers so the two absolutely go hand in hand. I'm sad that it has gotten this far. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have my old self back, but I'm getting there. Alex and myself have both seen very big change in my confidence level ever since I began my first session.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is that I need to stop blaming myself. For everything. Which I didn't even realize I was doing, so much so that it is hard for me to know how to change. This is what I have done my whole life. When something goes wrong in one relationship or another, I feel like I should have done something differently to fix it. If I had acted differently I could have changed the outcome.

But life isn't like that. The only thing that I can take responsibility for are my own actions. I can't blame myself for other peoples actions. Just like I can't blame them for mine.

I've also had some toxic relationships in my lifetime. Ones where I blamed myself, and they blamed me also.

But I can't live like that anymore. For one, because it is giving me ulcers!! And two, because those aren't the kind of people I want to have in my life.

I have to stand up for myself, and for who I am.

I've always been afraid that if I said things like, "If they aren't going to pursue a relationship with me, then I am not going to pursue a relationship with them," that would make me selfish. But I'm learning that it isn't always selfish. Sometimes we just have to realize when we are being treated unfairly, or when our friends are abandoning us to say enough is enough. Maybe they actually aren't good friends {which are the exact words my counselor used}.

When the going gets tough, a good friend will be there by your side, or at the very least, they wont abandon you.

I do have some great friends. I'm excited to begin to build those relationships, and step back from the toxic ones.

blazer and skinny jeans

Shirt- Target/ Pants- Pac Sun / Jewelry- Fred Meyers / Jacket- Nordstroms / Shoes- Target

My work and my school are both about 20 minutes away from my house, and about 5-10 minutes away from each other. So yesterday, when I had two hours between my work shift and my class, I decided to skip the extra 40 minutes of driving and went straight to school.

All this to say that, when I was leaving my shift at work, I realized I had forgotten to pack any clothes to change into. I wasn't really thrilled about wearing my work branded clothes to school.

So, naturally, I just decided to buy new clothes! Seems reasonable, right?

I totally scored this shirt and shoes for $18 bucks at Target! And, I had a great excuse to buy new clothes! ;)

On a completely different note, I'm a little irritated at the quality of these pictures when I load them up to blogger. Here's the deal- I'm taking a photography class. My teacher suggested we switch to RAW files. I have nothing against them, except that I don't have a version of Photoshop that will open RAW files for my camera. And of course, I get so excited to take my pictures, I keep forgetting to switch back to JPEG.

Moral of the story?

Make sure you have the proper software before listening to your professional photographer teacher.

Alex should be back tomorrow with the second part of our love story!

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